Project H and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
by Project H
Summary: A direct parody of the seventh Harry Potter film
1. Chapter 1

**Project H and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1**

By Project H

Part 1

Scrimgeour: These are dark times, there is no denying. Our world has perhaps faced no greater threat than it does today. But I say this to our citizenry: We, your unelected representatives, who are appointed to government without a trace of democracy in sight, will defend you. You can put your absolute faith in the witches and wizards who hold no discernable qualifications whatsoever, to protect you from the forces of evil. We of the Ministry of Magic, the same Ministry of Magic that hid You-Know-Who's return to power from you for several years, almost certainly resulting in hundreds of preventable deaths, can be completely trusted. And now, in keeping with my regular duties as Minister, I now declare this new children's playground open *Cuts ribbon*

-  
>*Granger House*<p>

Hermione: *Casts memory charm and leaves*

Mrs Granger: Sweetie, I've been wondering something

Mr Granger: What is it?

Mrs Granger: Since we don't have any children, why do we have a room upstairs set up for a teenage girl?

Mr Granger: I'm still trying to work out why we have so many empty picture frames

*Dursley House*

Vernon: Time to go, Dudley

Dudley: I still don't understand why we have to leave

Vernon: Uh...because it's not safe anymore. They opened a health food store down the end of the street. Right next door to the new gym

Dudley: HIT THE ACCELERATOR!

*The Burrow*

Mrs Weasley: Ron, when you're done ominously staring off into the distance as if life as you know it is about to change forever, tell your father supper's nearly ready

-  
>*Malfoy Manor*<p>

Snape: *Arrives*

Voldemort: Severus, we've saved you a seat. But we already placed our drinks order, so we just got you a newt juice. I trust you bring news

Snape: It will happen Saturday next, at nightfall

Yaxley: I heard the 30th of this month

Death Eater 1: I heard he was already moved

Death Eater 2: I heard he died when he slipped in the bath and hit his head

Death Eater 3: I heard his fat cousin ate him

Voldemort: Silence! What say you, Pius?

Pius: I say you should work on your world domination plan a little more. You haven't even taken over all of Britain yet

Voldemort: Yes, thank you Pius

Pius: Not even the Isle of Wight or anything. Just a couple of people in the Ministry

Voldemort: I understand that...

Pius: Maybe take the focus off one teenage boy for just a few days and work on defeating the other forces trying to destroy you

Voldemort: There is a plan in place...

Pius: If you take over the Ministry and have the entire country living in terror and forced to join you or else face certain death, you can _then_ work on killing that one adolescent that you seem so obsessed with

Death Eater 3: I heard his fat cousin ate him

Voldemort: Enough! In killing Harry Potter, I face an unfortunate complication. My wand and Potter's share the same core, and we cannot fatally harm one another

Pius: Then just stab him

Voldemort: If I am to kill him, I must do it with another's wand

Pius: Wound him, then walk over and strangle him. No more Potter

Voldemort: What about you, Lucius? I require your wand

Pius: At this rate, Potter's going to die of old age

Voldemort: Silence. We are joined tonight by Miss Charity Burbage. It is Miss Burbage's belief that muggles are not so different from us, and would have us mate with them

Death Eater 3: Eww. Even the fat ones?

Voldemort: Are you actually a Death Eater?

Pius: I'm going to sneak up on Potter and scare him. Heart attack!

Voldemort: Shut up, Pius

-  
>*Dursley House*<p>

Harry: So many memories in this house. Cupboard under the stairs...scolding iron...numerous broken bones...I can't wait to get out of this place

Ron: Harry!

Hermione: Harry!

Moody: Inside!

Harry: No, Harry

Bill: Hi Harry. These scars were caused by a werewolf-

Moody: No time for that

Tonks: Wait till you hear the news. Remus and I-

Moody: No time for that either

Kingsley: The reason we're here-

Moody: No time! *Opens bottle* Potter, I believe you're familiar with this particular brew

Harry: No. If you think I'm gonna let everyone risk their lives for me-

Hermione: As we have done consistency since we met you

Harry: This is different. I won't have anyone die for me

Hermione *Cough* Sirius *cough*

Ron: *Cough* Dumbledore *cough*

Fred: *Cough* Cedric *cough*

Bill: *Cough* My handsome face *cough*

George: *Cough* Quirrell *cough*

Harry: Alright fine, you can all risk your lives

All: Yay!

Moody: Grab a straw, everyone

Half the group: *Drink polyjuice potion*

RonHarry: *Grows a beard and a third arm* Uh oh, I shouldn't have had seconds...

FredHarry: *Hits George* Hey Harry, stop hitting yourself

GeorgeHarry: *Hits Fred* Stop hitting yourself

FleurHarry: Yuck. I feel...British

HermiHarry: *Looking down pants* Hmm, so it really _is_shaped like a lightning bolt...

Moody: Everyone will pair off. Harry, you'll be with Hagrid

Hagrid: I brought you here sixteen years ago, it seems only right that I should be the one to take you away now. Of course, you were just a baby then...

Harry: Sure was

Hagrid: So if you want to cry and wet yourself on this trip, I'm fine with that

Harry:...I think I'd like to go with Moody

-  
>*The sky*<p>

Death Eaters: *Attack*

The Order: *Scatter*

Harry: Hagrid, we have to help the others!

Hagrid: I can't do that, Harry. Mad-eye's orders

Harry: If Mad-eye told you to jump off a cliff-

Hagrid: He did. I still have the bruises

*Meanwhile, on the highway*

Woman: Honey, I'm so glad we were able to take this caravanning holiday

Man: Me too. It'll really help us to forget all our troubles

Caravan: *'Splodes*

Man: Damn it! That was a rental

Death Eater: *Fires curse*

Hedwig: *Dies, saving Harry. Add her to the list*

Harry: Damn it! She was a rental *Starts to fall asleep for some reason*

Voldemort: _Avada __Kedavra!_

Harry's wand: No thank you

Lucius's wand: *'Splodes*

Voldemort: LUCIUS!

Lucius: I didn't do it

-  
>*The Burrow*<p>

Ginny: Thank goodness! *Kisses Harry*

RonHarry: Get the hell off me!

Ginny: Oops...

Lupin: *Throws Harry against wall* Which creature sat in the corner the first time Harry Potter visited my office in Hogwarts?

Harry: I have no idea

Lupin: Just like the real Harry would. Excellent. But we've been betrayed. Voldemort knew you were being moved tonight, I had to make sure you weren't an imposter. I have no idea who could have divulged your whereabouts; only people in the Order could have known. People like myself, Moody, and Ron's pet rat Scabbers who has started showing up at meetings for some reason

Shacklebolt: LUPIN! What were the last words Albus Dumbledore spoke to the pair of us?

Lupin: Not sure. Have some chocolate

Shacklebolt: It's the real Lupin

George: *Arrives, minus ear*

Lupin: Imposter! The real George has an ear!

Fred: How you feeling, Georgie?

Georgie: Ron-like

Fred: Come again

Georgie: Ron-like. Get it? Because a piece of my brain is now missing

Fred: Ha! Awesome!

Bill: Mad-eye's dead

Fred: So is the mood. Good one, Bill

-  
>*Next morning*<p>

Harry: *Leaving*

Ron: Going somewhere?

Harry: Nobody is going to die for me

Ron: *Cough* Mad-eye *cough*

Harry: Nobody _else_

Ron: You think Mad-eye died for you? You think George got cursed for you? For you? Firstly, you suck. Secondly, we're all just doing this to save ourselves. Most of us just wanted to hand you in to Voldemort. I actually tried to smother you with a pillow last night

Harry: Come with me

Ron: What, and leave Hermione? We wouldn't last two days without her

Harry: Sure we would

Ron: You realise you left the house without pants?

Harry: No I...let's wait for Hermione

-  
>*Later that morning*<p>

Harry: To what do we owe the pleasure, Minister?

Scrimgeour: Oh I was just in the neighbourhood and thought I'd stop by to read a will

Harry: That sounds cheery

Scrimgeour: _Herein __is __set __forth __the __last __will __and __testament __of __Albus __Percival __Wulfric __Pikachu __Dumbledore. __First, __to __Ronald __Bilius __Weasley, __I __leave __my __Deluminator. __It__'__s __pointless __and __silly, __so __naturally __it __made __me __think __of __Ron. __To __Hermione __Nerdface __Granger, __whose __name __I __had __officially __changed __prior __to __my __death __as __a __joke, __I __leave __a __book. __Because, __you __know, __it__'__s __Hermione. __To __Harry __James __Potter, __I __leave __the __snitch __he __caught __in __his __first __Quidditch __match, __to remind him of a time when he wasn't alone and not yet aware of how the entire fate of the world rests on his shoulders, which it most certainly does__. _Dumbledore also left you the sword of Godric Gryffindor, but it was not his to give away. As an important historical artefact, it belongs to the Ministry. And as you, Harry, are also an important artefact, Dumbledore was not able to trade you for a new broom, as his will suggested be done. Mr Potter, you cannot fight this war alone...

Harry: Agreed

Scrimgeour: Excellent. Farewell *Leaves forever*

Harry: He just left when I needed him most, and without telling me anything. I think I found my new Dumbledore

TO BE CONTINUED...


	2. Chapter 2

**Project H and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1**

By Project H

Part 2

*Wedding*

Wizard equivalent of a priest: Do you, incredibly hot veela girl, take this pasty guy with the messed up face, to be your husband?

Fleur: I do

Wizard equivalent of a priest: Really? Is he rich or something?

Bill: Not even slightly

Wizard equivalent of a priest: Whatever. And Bill, do you...I'm not even going to ask. Of course you do. I now declare you man and wife, you may kiss your mangled red-head

*Reception*

Xenophilius: Mr Potter, all of us at The Quibbler fully support you. A person would have to be crazy not to. May I lick your head for luck?

Luna: Come daddy, Harry doesn't want to talk to us ever again

Xenophilius: We get that a lot. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to cover myself with that tray of chocolate pudding

Harry: Mr Doge, may I sit here?

Elphias: Certainly, Mr Potter

Harry: I found what you wrote in The Daily Prophet really moving

Elphias: Ah yes, well I have great tips for staying sexy at sixty

Harry: I meant the article about Dumbledore

Elphias: Well I certainly knew him the longest. That is, if you don't count his brother Aberforth, which people never do. He was the Ron of the Dumbledore family

Muriel: I'm told he's been thoroughly unriddled by Rita Skeeter in 800 pages. Word has it that someone talked to her. Someone who knew the Dumbledore family well

Harry: Dammit Ron!

Muriel: Bathilda Bagshot

Harry: Who?

Muriel: The most celebrated magical historian of the last century. Lived in Godric's Hollow

Harry: Where?

Muriel: She met Dumbledore there. He moved there after his father killed those muggles

Harry: What?

Muriel: Honestly boy, are you sure you knew him at all?

Harry: I've never heard any of that information. I should have introduced myself to Ron's crazy relatives a whole lot sooner. Hey Muriel, interested in coming to look for Horcruxes with me?

Muriel:...what?

Shacklebolt's patronus: _The __Ministry __has __fallen. __The __Minister __is __dead. __We __are __all...wait ,__what __was __I __meant __to __say? __Damn. __Uhh, __how __do __you __reset __a __patronus?__ Oh __I__'__ll __just __send __this __one __out. __They __are __coming! __Also, __that __gift __from __Tonks __and __Lupin __was __from __the __three __of __us_

Death Eaters: *Arrive*

Krum: You have no business here. This tent is for wedding guests...and friends

Death Eater: _Avada __Kedavra!_

Krum: Oh great, the one time I actually talk *Dies*

Harry, Ron and Hermione: *Disapparate*

-  
>*Streets of London*<p>

Harry, Ron and Hermione: *Apparate*

Hermione: This is Shaftsbury Avenue. Sorry, but it was the first thing I thought of

Harry: So we apparate to whatever you're thinking of at that moment? It suddenly makes sense why we apparated into Ron's pants for a second there

Ron: That was a very painful second

Harry: So wait...is this the team I'm stuck with to look for Horcruxes? Because during the reception I decided I wanted it to be myself, Muriel and Blaise Zabini

Hermione: You wouldn't get anywhere without my brains

Harry: Alright, I'm willing to swap you for Blaise.

Ron: And you wouldn't get anywhere without my...Ron

Harry: Good point. You can stay too

Hermione: *Reaches entire arm into bag*

Harry: Wah?

Hermione: Undetectable extension charm. I've been using it for years to extend my patience for Ron's stupidity

-  
>*Cafe de la Escapio*<p>

Waitress: Coffee?

Hermione: No, Hermione

Harry: I feel like we make that error a lot

Waitress: Want to order anything?

Hermione: I'll have a cappuccino and your absence from this room for several minutes

Harry: Same

Ron: Which drinks come with a toy?

Waitress: None

Ron: I'll just have the same

Waitress: *Leaves*

Harry: Should we go back and help the people at the wedding?

Hermione: Everyone will have gone underground

Ron: Dead and buried?

Hermione: Hiding

Ron: A better option

Hermione: If Voldemort has taken over the ministry, none of the old places are safe. Not the Leaky Cauldron, not the Burrow, although I hear the Isle of Wight is perfectly fine

Two Death Eaters: *Enter*

Dolohov: I hope they have those cupcakes I like

Rowle: I hope they have those kids I like trying to kill

Dolohov: Looks like we're both in luck. _Reducto_!

Harry: *Ducks for cover* Blaise Zabini sure would be useful now. I sure wish he or she was here. _Stupefy_!

Rowle: _Crucio_!

Waitress: *Re-enters* So was it just the cappuccino?

Hermione: GET OUT OF HERE!

Waitress: My mistake *Leaves*

Hermione: _Petrificus __totalus_!

Dolohov and Rowle: *Petrified totally*

Harry: We'd better wipe their memories

Ron: Hermione, you're the best at spells

Hermione: But I think I damaged my wand in that fight

Ron: And I think I damaged my brain at birth. You do it

Hermione: Alright. _Obliviate_! Wait...what was I doing?

Harry: A memory charm

Hermione: Right. _Obliviate_! Wait...what was I doing?

Harry: A memory charm

Hermione: Right. _Obliviate_! Wait...what was I doing?

Harry: Eh, maybe use my wand instead

Hermione: Who are you?

-  
>*The streets*<p>

Hermione: Maybe you still have the trace on you?

Ron: No, it breaks at 17. It's wizarding law. And no one ever breaks the wizarding law. Not ever. Not even those guys who just tried to murder us

Hermione: Oh no, we didn't celebrate your birthday, Harry. Ginny and I were going to bring a cake out at the end of the wedding and take attention away from Fleur's special day

Harry: I appreciate the thought, but given the fact that we were almost killed...

Hermione: Right...

Harry: You should probably give me my presents now. Just in case

-  
>*Grimmauld Place*<p>

Ghost Dumbledore: Boo!

Hermione: Aargh!

Ghost Dumbledore *Disappears*

Harry: That's a mighty awesome security system. Yelling breaks it

Hermione: Probably Mad-Eye's idea, in case Snape decided to come snooping

Ron: And relying on his deathly fear of dust that looks like people? Brilliant

Harry: Keep an eye out for an alarm that you can deactivate by breathing

Ron: Or a hex you can reverse by staring at it

Hermione: Or a...I got nothing

Ron: Or a monster that you kill with your own existence

Harry: We're alone...

Ron: Oh right, the whole 'on the run' thing

-  
>*Harry's dream"<p>

Ollivander: I believed a different wand would work

Voldemort: You lie

Ollivander: There must be another way

Pius: There is, it's called stabbing

Voldemort: Shut up, Pius!

-  
>*Regulus' room*<p>

Ron: I've found R.A.B.

Harry: I don't know what that is but I'm sure it's disgusting. Put it down

Hermione: Regulus Arcturus Black

Harry: Gesundheit

Hermione: Re-read the note from the locket

Harry: _I __know __I __will __be __dead __long __before __you __read __this. __I __have __stolen __the __real __Horcrux __and __intend __to __destroy __it. __But __a __really __handsome __guy __with __glasses __will __avenge __me, __along __with __his __dumb __friend __and __this __other __friend __I __still __have __conflicting __feelings __about. __Also, __the __handsome __guy __is __incredibly __smart __and __all __the __girls __like __him. __R.A.B. _I lost the original note and had to rewrite it, but I think I got the gist of it. I guess R.A.B. is Sirius' brother

Hermione: Yes. Also, we're being spied on

Harry: *Grabs Kreacher* Curse you and your convenient interruption!

Kreacher: Kreacher has been watching. But Kreacher had to stop watching late at night when the two young adults were acting like socially awkward eight year olds and just held hands. It was lame. Even Kreacher sees you two just need to get together already

Harry: *Holds up locket* Have you seen this before?

Kreacher: No. Only a better one that had a soul in it, but Kreacher has never seen _that_ locket

Harry: Damn, he can't help us

Kreacher: Before Master Regulus died, he ordered Kreacher to destroy it, but no matter how hard Kreacher tried, he could not do it. Kreacher tried hitting it, calling it 'Mudblood', ignoring it for a few days and hoping it would go away, but it could not be destroyed. A man came in the night and took the locket. Mundungus Fletcher

Harry: Not even the slightest bit of help. Oh well, go get Mundungus

Kreacher: *Pop! Well he didn't pop, he just disappeared, but it made that sound*

-  
>*Ministry of Magic*<p>

Pius: As your new Minister for Magic, after Rufus Scrimgeour has decided to go on permanent sick leave, I promise to restore this temple of tolerance, this house of honour, this castle of corruption, to its former glory. Beginning today, each employee will submit themselves for evaluation. But know this, you have nothing to fear, if you have nothing to hide. Oh, except for mudbloods. You guys are screwed

Yaxley: Maybe keep a little quiet about that

Pius: Here's a suggestion – we choose the people we think are mudbloods, and just kill them. Who cares about trials? If we just kill them without checking properly, who's going to stop us? Voldemort? He's going to come down here and tell us to be nicer to the workers? There's no one more powerful than us in the wizarding world, so why don't we just kill them all since there are absolutely no possible consequences to it?

Yaxley:...shut up, Pius

-  
>*Grimmauld Place*<p>

Ron: *Plays piano badly*

Hermione: You idiot! How do you expect to destroy Horcruxes if you can't play piano?

Ron: I...don't know

Harry: *Playing with snitch. Hard to believe these guys aren't making better progress with the horcruxes*

Hermione: Snitches have flesh memories. When Scrimgeour first gave it to you, I thought it might squint a little and go "Hey, I know that guy." And then ask you how school was going or something

Mundungus: *Appears* Help! I was living in my own filth while trying to sell stolen goods, and then I was kidnapped! No wait...I think this is a good thing. Wow, this place has a roof

Kreacher: As requested, Kreacher has returned with the thief. As not requested, Kreacher has also returned with that house elf that tried to hurt you several times

Harry: Dobby!

Dobby: My Potter, such an honour

Harry: Come here Dobby, I have something for you

Dobby: Certainly sir

Harry: *Strangles Dobby* Don't think I've forgotten about you trying to kill me in second year!

Dobby: Such an honour...to be killed...by Mr Potter

Kreacher: Kreacher also brought information on the whereabouts of the Dark Lord

Harry: Go away Kreacher, you crazy useless elf

Kreacher: Four-eyed git. He's worse with plans than the red-head is with the mudblood *Leaves*

Harry: Mundungus, you stole a locket from this house, correct?

Mundungus: Sirius left it for me in his will. And Dumbledore left me a sword, a snitch and a deluminator, in case you come across those

Hermione: Do you still have the locket?

Mundungus: Some ugly old hag took it from me

Harry: Hermione took it? Why didn't you-

Mundungus: There she is! On that conveniently placed Daily Prophet

Harry: And you all scoffed when I wanted to keep two-year-old Daily Prophets on the floor until we toilet trained Ron

Kreacher: Kreacher has returned with flowers for the mudblood

Harry: Flowers? But you hate her for being a blood traitor

Kreacher: Kreacher is an elderly house elf who lives in an empty house with only a portrait of his dead mother for company. Kreacher has lowered his standards

Hermione: I'll take it

TO BE CONTINUED...


	3. Chapter 3

**Project H and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1**

By Project H

Part 3

*Alleyway*

Harry: *Stuns and drags woman into alley* I didn't think I'd have to do that ever again

Hermione: *Grabs hairs* Alright, we'll have one hour in disguise as the ministry workers

Harry: Well let's just hope these three are actual ministry workers. We've already taken out too many postmen and garbage men

Hermione: And that cat

Harry: He had it coming

Hermione: Everyone take a hair and put it in the polyjuice potion

Ron: Shotgun on being the woman. I've already got the underwear on and everything

Harry: Same here. We can pretend to be twin sisters

Hermione: Everyone just stick with your own gender. We've got enough problems without me needing to learn a new way to use the toilet

-  
>*Toilets*<p>

CattermoleRon: We stand in the bowl and flush ourselves in

RuncornHarry: Well of course. I know how to use a toilet

Ministry official 1: You realise we can see you two talking over the top of the stalls?

RuncornHarry: You realise we can see you staring at people in toilet stalls?

Ministry official 1:...as you were

Ministry official 2: What's going on in there?

Ministry official 1: Two guys talking in the stalls

Ministry official 2: I wish _we_ talked more

Ministry official 1: Let's not do this now

-  
>*Ministry*<p>

Yaxley: Cattermole, it's still raining inside my office

CattermoleRon: Maybe if you start a fire in there, things will balance themselves out

Yaxley: If my wife's blood status were in doubt, and the head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement needed a job doing, I think I might just make that a priority

CattermoleRon: I'll keep a look out in case any of those things happen to me

Yaxley: ALL OF THOSE THINGS are happening to you

CattermoleRon: I see...

Yaxley: And why do you sound like a seventeen year old?

CattermoleRon: Shut up, Pius

Yaxley: Agreed

Elevator: *Closes*

CattermoleRon: Oh my god...that was a seventy year old wizard with a ponytail

RuncornHarry: I know. And also, the life of a witch is relying entirely on your ability to solve a problem that a high ranking ministry official could not

CattermoleRon: So how do I stop it raining?

HopkirkHermy: Just do whatever you would normally do when faced with a problem

CattermoleRon: Excellent. I'll stand in a corner looking confused until Hermione shows up and helps me *Gets off elevator*

RuncornHarry: If we don't locate Umbridge within the hour, we go find Ron and come back another day

HopkirkHermy: We'll need some sort of crazy coincidence or chance encounter. And what are the odds of that?

Umbridge: Ah, Mafalda

HopkirkHermy: BANSHEE! I mean, yes it is I, Mafalda. Everything is well and I am feeling very Mafalda today

Umbridge: Charming. Ready to give some 'fair trials' to blood traitors?

HopkirkHermy: Erm...sure

Umbridge: Hmm, something seems wrong...

HopkirkHermy: I hate centaurs!

Umbridge: Marvellous. Let's go

RuncornHarry: And I just remembered I'm needed on this floor for no reason. Goodbye

Elevator: *Closes, taking HopkirkHermy and Umbridge*

RuncornHarry: Alright Harry, time to turn on your finest acting skills. So it's an overly awkward walk, with a look of total confusion the whole time

-  
>*Umbridge's Office*<p>

Ministry official 1: Did you hear muggles don't need to dip quills in ink? They have these things called 'pens' that have the ink built in

Ministry official 2: Savages!

RuncornHarry: Look! Two mudbloods trying to procreate!

Ministry officials: WHERE?

RuncornHarry: *Sneaks into Umbridge's office* Oh wow, a blood-tipped quill. I'll just scribble on this paper with it and maybe I can- DAMN IT! Second time. But surely if I try it again it won't- I'M WRONG! *Hand bleeds everywhere* OK, new plan, I'll use my left hand...

*30 minutes later*

RuncornHarry: Having passed out three times now, I think I will leave *Leaves office*

Ministry official 1: I'm still failing to see the mudbloods, so maybe the real mudbloods...are us?

Ministry official 2: Be quiet and get back to sorting your hate-filled propaganda

Ministry official 1: You're right. That always cheers me up. You really understand me

Ministry official 2: Let's not do this right now

-  
>*Elevator*<p>

RuncornHarry: I sure hope I meet up with Ron through some crazy coincidence or chance encounter. Oh hi, Ron

CattermoleRon: Sup? Couldn't stop the rain so I just put up a 'wet floor' sign. That should solve everything

*Courtrooms*

Umbridge: Mary Elizabeth Cattermole?

Mary: Yes

Umbridge: Mudbloodsayswhat

Mary: What?

Umbridge: Mudblood!

Mary: No, please...

Umbridge: Which witch or wizard did you take your wand from?

Mary: I didn't steal it. I got it from Ollivander's when I was 11

Umbridge: *Writing notes* Stole...from...Ollivander...then...killed him

HopkirkHermy thinking: _This __is __a __delicate __situation. __We__'__ll __need __to __be __really __cautious __and __take __the __locket __quietly, __otherwise __we-_

RuncornHarry: _STUPEFY_!

HopkirkHermy: *Grabs necklace*

CattermoleRon: *Grabs wife. Respectfully*

Harry, Ron and Hermione: *Leap into fireplace*

Yaxley: *Grabs Ron. Respectfully*

-  
>*Forest*<p>

Ron: Aargh!

Harry: Oh great, Ron must have landed near a spider

Hermione: He lost half his arm

Harry: Eww

Hermione: Come on, let's move him. I'm not comfortable while _that_ can still see us

Splinched top half of Yaxley: *Crawling* You damn kids! Get over here! I'll bite and scratch you all over!

-  
>*Meanwhile*<p>

Gregorovitch: The wand was stolen from me, and I never saw it again. I swear on my life

Voldemort: I believe you

Gregorovitch: Really?

Voldemort: Absolutely. Just because I'm a vicious murderer, doesn't mean I can't trust people

Gregorovitch: Well that's very nice of-

Voldemort: _Avada __Kedavra_!

Gregorovitch: Oh...*Dies*

*Forest*

Harry: *Saw all this* You-Know-Who has found Gregorovitch, the wand-maker

Hermione: You know Gregorovitch? And we're using the term 'You-Know-Who' now?

Radio:...it is believed that muggle-born Dean Thomas may have been captured, which is very awkward as he'd just won our competition for a three-pack of CDs. If anyone else would like to win a copy of _'__Music __to __Murder __Mudbloods __To__'__,_give us a call. And now here's Davey Dementor and his Azka-band, with their new hit single _'__See __ya __later, __blood __traitor__'_

Harry: Ron knows I hate this station! How long before he can travel?

Hermione: I'm doing everything I can

Harry: You're not doing enough! All you've done so far is all the preparation for our journey, battle death eaters, brew polyjuice potion, risk your life in the Ministry of Magic, put up all the protection spells that are keeping us alive and provide the only buffer for the simmering tension between myself and Ron that is threatening to tear this group apart! Lazy!

-  
>*Later that night*<p>

Radio:...new Hogwarts headmaster Severus Snape has implemented new, severe curriculum to the school, including dark arts classes, torture, and itchy new uniforms. This is apparently in line with the wishes of the Dark Lord, who was quoted as saying "Hey, I had a pretty horrific upbringing, and I turned out fine"

Hermione: *Investigates a mysterious rustling*

Scabior: *_Is_ the mysterious rustling* What's that smell?

Fenrir: Could be this dead kid I'm carrying. Hey Scabior, know what I call a kids' running race?

Scabior: You've already told this joke

Fenrir: Fast food! Ha! Come on, the toddlers are getting cold

Snatchers: *Walk away*

Harry: I'm glad they weren't able to see me wet my pants in fear just then

Hermione: He could smell my perfume

Harry: You wore perfume on a camping trip to save the world? You _need _to sort out your priorities

-  
>*The tent, several days later*<p>

Hermione: You killed the basilisk with the sword of Gryffindor and because the sword takes in that which makes it stronger the blade is impregnated with basilisk venom!

Harry: Wrong, it was 'cat'. You suck at charades

Hermione: I don't suck. I'm actually highly logical, which allows me to look past extraneous detail and perceive clearly that which others overlook

Harry: And yet you're unable to see how arrogant you look right now

Lights: *Go out*

Ron: That's right, I'm still here

Harry: Wait...we brought Ron with us? That was a dumb idea

Ron: Well sorry for not being grateful because there's another damn thing we've got to find. Am I the only one who remembers we're supposed to be looking for...stuff?

Harry: I thought you knew what you signed up for

Ron: I just thought that after all this time, we would've achieved something

Harry: You're annoyed because we've been incompetently drifting around and achieving nothing? Sounds right up your alley

Ron: And you know what's right up _your_ alley? Having dead parents! You've never had people support you, never had someone care for you when you've been sick, never been reassured when you've been afraid. You have no idea how lucky that makes you

Hermione: Ron, please. Sure, we all find it hilarious that Harry has no parents, but that isn't helping right now

Ron: I see how it is. I saw you two the other night

Hermione: We were just sharing the water bottle

Ron: I saw the time you licked his face

Hermione: I was wiping off some ice-cream

Ron: You've been sharing a bed all week!

Hermione:...out of context

Ron: *Leaves forever. How ever will they manage without him?*

-  
>*An additional few days*<p>

Harry: *Kisses snitch. A few weeks without Ginny, you can understand his desperation*

Snitch: _I __open __at __the __close_

Harry: Hermione! The snitch is talking to me!

Hermione: Oh dear, somebody's been hitting the butterbeers

Harry: It says 'I open at the close'. What do you think that means?

Hermione: No idea. And enough about what you've been doing, I found something

Harry: Was it that little rock that you've scribbled on with red crayon?

Hermione: Don't talk like that to Rockald Weasley! I was talking about that symbol. Someone inked it into the book that Dumbledore gave me

Harry: Oh yeah, that was me. I was bored. I also wrote 'HARRY RULES'

Hermione: Damn. There goes my suggestion of visiting the mystical and mysterious old wizard named Harry Rules

Harry: A better idea – let's visit Godric's Hollow. It's where I was born, and it's where my parents died

Hermione: Sounds like a laugh. Let's go

TO BE CONTINUED...


	4. Chapter 4

**Project H and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1**

By Project H

Part 4

*Godric's Hollow*

Harry: My parent's grave...Hermione, would you magic up a wreath of flowers?

Hermione: Certainly Harry. *Points wand* _Explodo!_

Grave: *Explodes*

Harry: Thanks

Hermione: Harry, someone's watching us by the church

Harry: Jesus?

Hermione: No, an old woman

Harry: Jesus?

Hermione: I don't think it's Jesus

Harry: I have never seen that woman in my life. I'm going to assume it's Bathilda Bagshot and follow her to a quiet location

-  
>*Bathilda's House*<p>

Bathilda: *Tries to light candle*

Harry: Here, let me do that

Bathilda" *Speaks parselmouth*

Harry: *Speaks parselmouth* Is it just me, or is there some serious sexual chemistry going on here?

Bathilda: *Turns into Nagini*

Harry: Is that a 'no'?

Nagini: *Attacks*

Harry: *Fights for his life*

Hermione: *Is reading a book. Typical*

Nagini: *Still attacking*

Harry: *Defending himself with a chair. Let's see him try that against Voldemort*

Child's bedroom: *Appears*

Harry and Hermione: *Disapparate*

Nagini: *Sad. Presumably plays with toys in room*

-  
>*Tent, in the middle of a forest*<p>

Harry: Well this makes for a nice change of scenery

Hermione: I came here once with mum and dad years ago. Not that they'd remember any of this now. Not even me...

Harry: Well if it makes you feel better, remember that my parents were brutally murdered when I was little

Hermione: *Smiles* Oh Harry, you always know what to say to cheer me up

Harry: *Sobbing*

Hermione: Maybe we should just stay here. Grow old. You and me, raising that piece of Voldemort's soul as our son. I'll call him Little Tommy. *Holds out locket* Give your son a kiss

Harry: Not right now

Hermione: KISS HIM!

Harry: Where's my wand?

Hermione: *Takes it out from beneath her* As we were leaving Godric's Hollow, I cast a curse and it rebounded

Harry: And broke the wand?

Hermione: No. After we got back I sat on it

Harry: Never mind, I'll take yours. And give me the locket

Hermione: Give you _what_?

Harry:...give me Little Tommy

Hermione: That's better

-  
>*That night*<p>

Harry: *Looks at a piece of mirror that he has never explained the origin of* Yep, still just a mirror

Silver doe: *Appears*

Harry: It wants me to follow it. What did Hermione say I should do?

*Flashback*

_Hermione: Harry, under no circumstances are you to leave the tent. Not to look around the forest, not to chase after Death Eaters, and especially not to follow a silver doe that has mysteriously appeared_

*End flashback*

Harry: She'd want me to follow it *Follows*

Doe: *Stops at frozen river*

Harry: Was this all just some big ploy to get me undressed?

Sword: *Glistens*

Harry: Alright, you win *Takes off clothes*

Doe: *Smiles*

Locket: *Tries to drown Harry*

Harry: *Is going to be killed by jewellery in a lake. Try explaining that one to the Order*

Ron: *Saves the day*

Harry: Hermione, are you mental? And stronger? And taller? And more attractive?

Ron: It's Ron

Harry:...I'm not sure how I feel about this. Did you cast the doe?

Ron: Thought that was you

Harry: No, my patronus is a stag. That's why I thought you'd have the doe. Because it's like mine but, you know, more girly. *Hands sword to Ron* Ready to kick some necklace butt?

Ron: I can't handle it. That thing affects me more than it affects you and Hermione

Harry: I know, that's why it will be funny. I want to see if you can do it without crying

Ron: I think I'm ready

Harry: On three. One...NOW *Parseltongue*

Locket: *Explodes with evil*

Locketmort: _I __have __seen __your __heart, __and __it __is __mine..._

Harry: Little Tommy just said his first words!

Locketmort: _I __have __seen __your __dreams, __Ronald __Weasley, __and __I __have...wait, __I__'__m __fighting __Ron? __Really? __Idiot __ginger __with __the __mother __that __hates __him __and __the __obsession __with __the __homely __mudblood?_

Harry: Wow Ron, he knows you perfectly

LocketHarry: _We __were __better __without __you. __Happier __without __you. __The __shower __drain __stopped __getting __clogged __with __red __hair_

Harry: Don't listen, Ron! It's lying!

LocketHermy: _Who __could __look __at __you __compared __to __Harry __Potter? __What __woman __would __take __you? __You __are __nothing_

Harry: And now it's telling the truth! Listen carefully

LocketHarry and LocketHermy: *Go at each other like a barnacle sucking a bolt out of a ship's hull*

Ron: *Holds up sword*

Harry: Wait! Let's see where they're going with this...

*Two hours later*

LocketHarry and LocketHermy: *Enjoying a cigarette*

Harry:...alright, go ahead

Ron: *Swings sword*

Harry: Uh...you missed

Ron: Sorry *Tries several more times before eventually hitting locket*

Locket: _Nooooo! __They__'__ll __never __let __me __live __this __down __at __the __Horcrux __reunion __party_ *Dies*

Ron: I did it! I overcame my fears and became a hero!

Harry: You've wet your pants

Ron: Still a hero

-  
>*Back at the tent*<p>

Hermione: *Asleep next to Rockald Weasley*

Harry: Hermione?

Hermione: Harry, is everything alright?

Harry: Everything's great. Found a sword and destroyed a Horcrux

Ron: And Ron's back!

Harry: I was only mentioning the good things

Hermione: *Attacks Ron* You! Complete! Arse! Ronald! Weasley! Leaving! For! Weeks! And! Then! Just! Showing! Up! And! Interrupting! My! Dream! Where! I! Was! Minister! For! Magic! And! Put! To! Death! All! Idiots! Named! Ron!

Ron: I missed you too. Hug?

Hermione: Harry, where's my wand?

Harry: Let's not go crazy...

Hermione: Give me the sword!

Harry: I'm not going to do that...

Hermione: *Pulls out a gun*

Harry: Where the hell did you get that?

Ron: I wanted to come back straight away, but I didn't know how. Then I used this *Holds up deluminator*. I don't know how it works, but Christmas morning I was sleeping in this little pub, due to my chronic alcoholism, and I heard it

Harry: Heard what?

Ron: This whiny, high-pitched, irritating voice that was bossing someone around and sounding like a know-it-all brat

Harry: Hermione!

Ron: Exactly. So I clicked the deluminator and this tiny ball of light appeared. It floated towards me and went right to my chest. So I disapparated. Unfortunately I splinched again, and left part of my brain behind, but it didn't really make any difference so I just kept going. I was waiting for one of you to show yourself, and fortunately Harry was drowning. I'm just so glad to see you both again and I really think that- *Gets shot* -YOU STUPID BITCH!

-  
>*In the tent*<p>

Ron:...and then I said 'Snatcher? I hardly know her!'

Harry: I can't believe you survived on your own for so long

Ron: You need a wand, don't you? I've got one here. Blackthorn, ten inches

Harry: Excellent. You've got a great track record with wands

Ron: *Hands wand to Harry* Give it a go

Harry: _Engorgio_

Lamp: *Turns into a rabbit*

Harry: Better than I expected

Hermione: We need to talk. I want to go and see Xenophilius Lovegood. That mark was on a letter Dumbledore sent to Grindleward, and published in Rita Skeeter's book. It was in _Beetle__the__Bard_, the graveyard, and Dumbledore had it tattooed on his upper thigh. They were some very personal photographs in that book

Ron: Yeah! Hermione's right and pretty. We should go see Lovegood and then snuggle in a bed together. Those in favour?

Harry: You literally add nothing to this group

-  
>*The Lovegood's*<p>

Hermione: *Knocks on door*

Xenophilius: For the last time - No I do not want to buy your cheap mudblood skins. Wait, you're not a travelling salesman...

Harry: Hello Mr Lovegood. I'm Harry Potter, we met a few months ago. Also, I'm constantly saving the world, so it would be incredibly rude if you wouldn't let us into your kitchen

*Lovegood kitchen*

Hermione: Where's Luna?

Xenophilius: Oh you know Luna...she'll be along

Ron: Classic Luna

Harry: Mr Lovegood, I have a question about something you were wearing on your neck at the wedding

Xenophilius: Those were the entrées

Harry: A necklace

Xenophilius: The sign of the Deathly Hallows. I assume you're all familiar with The Tale of the Three Brothers

Ron: Certainly. Fred and George held me down, while Bill shaved my head

Hermione: I have it in that book Dumbledore gave me...

_There were once three brothers, who were travelling along a lonely, winding road at twilight. The road was lonely because it had recently broken up with a curb it had been dating for several years. In time, the brothers reached a river too treacherous to pass. But being learned in the magical arts, and after their dim-witted fourth brother Dirk tried to swim across and drowned, the three brothers simply waved their wands and made a bridge._

_Before they could cross, however, they found their path blocked by a hooded figure. It was Death, and he felt cheated. Cheated because the curb he'd been dating for several years had also been seeing a road. That, and travellers would normally drown in the river. But Death was cunning. And the brothers were very, very gullible. He pretended to congratulate the three brothers on their magic and said that each had earned a prize for having been clever enough to not jump headlong into a torrential river. Genius._

_The oldest asked for a wand more powerful than any in existence. So Death broke everyone else's wands and made one out of a twig from nearby. The second brother decided he wanted to humiliate Death even further, so he pulled down Death's pants. He also asked for the power to recall loved ones from the grave. So Death plucked a stone from the river and offered it to him. That's it, just a stone. He didn't say it was magical, he just gave the guy a rock. And he took it. Some people are easy to please._

_Finally, Death turned to the third brother. A humble man, he humbly asked for something that would essentially make him immortal. So very humble. And so it was that Death reluctantly handed over his own Cloak of Invisibility. The brother also took his pants._

_The first brother travelled to a distant village where, with the Elder Wand in hand, he killed a wizard with whom he had once quarrelled. Drunk with the power that the Elder Wand had given him, he bragged of his invincibility. He also bragged that he was going upstairs to sleep, keeping his door unlocked, and placing his all-powerful wand next to his pillow with no protective enchantments. Shockingly, another wizard stole the wand and slit the brother's throat for good measure. Maybe the brother shouldn't have wished for such a sharp wand. And so Death took the first brother for his own._

_The second brother journeyed to his home where he took the stone and turned it thrice in hand. After resurrecting several flies he had killed earlier that day, the girl he'd once hoped to marry before her untimely death appeared before him. Yet, soon she turned sad and cold, for she had no income to pay her heating bill. Driven mad with hopeless longing, the second brother romantically killed himself so as to join her. They divorced in the afterlife and she now lives alone with her dozen dead cats. And so Death took the second brother._

_As for the arrogant third brother, Death searched for many years but was never able to find him. Only when he attained a great age did the youngest brother shed the Cloak of Invisibility and give it to his son. Because he hated his son and wanted to make him Death's enemy. Maybe next time he'll eat his vegetables without complaining. He then greeted Death as an old friend, despite never returning his calls or helping him move house, and went with him gladly, departing this life as equals_

Xenophilius: So there you are. Those are the Deathly Hallows

Ron: Well that explains everything. C'mon guys, let's go kill Voldemort

Harry: Wait, I have one final question – what the hell was all that?

Xenophilius: *Starts drawing* The Elder Wand. The Resurrection Stone. A kitty on roller-skates. Wait...what was I drawing? Oh yeah, the Cloak of Invisibility. Together they make the Deathly Hallows and a kitty on roller-skates. Together...they make one master of Death. And I am the master of tea! Who needs a refill?

Hermione: Uh...I think we should go

Xenophilius: No! Stay. Let me tell you about The...Three Sisters. They cheated Death by hot-air ballooning over a volcano. If you collect their hairpin, used bandaid and poodle, they make one master of...poodles

Harry: I think we'd rather leave

Xenophilius: But you're my only hope. They didn't like what I was writing, so they took my Luna. They're using her to keep me quiet

Ron: Hehe, classic Luna

Harry: Who took Luna? I'm not willing to jump to conclusions and assume it's the dark force that has taken over the world and is killing and kidnapping people. That would be very prejudiced of me

Death Eaters: *Destroy house*

Harry, Ron and Hermione: *Disapparate*

Xenophilius: Argh! You scared them off!

Death Eater: Really? How did they know we were here?

TO BE CONTINUED...


	5. Chapter 5

**Project H and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1**

By Project H

Part 5

*Forest*

Ron: Treacherous little bleeder. Can we suddenly not trust weird strangers?

Scabior: Hi

Ron: I choose to trust this guy

Scabior: Hello beautiful

Hermione: *Giggles* You think I'm beautiful?

Harry, Ron and Hermione: *Disapparate. No wait, they run. Good plan*

Scabior: Snatch 'em! Do you guys think that is working as a catch phrase? Would you wear a t-shirt that says that?

Snatchers: *Chase*

Hermione: _Moustachio!_

Harry: *Is hit in the face*

*Meanwhile, in a dark tower*

Voldemort: Tell me, Grindelwald. Tell me where it is

Grindelwald: I don't have one. I just go in the corner

Voldemort:...I meant the Elder Wand

Grindelwald: But of course. I knew one day you'd come. And I have so few visitors here. Did you bring me chocolates?

Voldemort: That depends, do you have the wand?

Grindelwald: The Elder Wand lies buried in the earth. Well, not buried, but there's this weird looking rock on it. Dumbledore!

Voldemort: Nyah! Oh, but before I go, I just wanted to say what a huge fan of yours I was. The muggle murders – classic! I had pictures of you on the walls of my torture dungeons when I was a teenager

Grindlewald: Thank you. And about those chocolates...

Voldemort: Ate them on the way over *Flees*

Grindlewald: Hmm, he sure makes escaping look easy. I wonder why I never tried climbing out that open window...

*Back at the forest*

Harry: *Is growing a moustache* The Hallows exist! Voldemort will have the Elder Wand by the end of the night! Also, I'm not going to ask why you shot a spell at my face

Snatchers: *Grab them*

Scabior: Let's see what we've got here. You, debonair man with the fancy moustache, what's your name?

_Harry thinking: Fake name. Give them a fake name_

Harry: Vernon Dudley

Scabior: And you, my lovely?

Hermione: What do you think is the most beautiful thing about me?

Scabior: Just tell me your name

_Hermione thinking: Fake name. Give them a fake name_

Hermione: Penelope Clearwater

Scabior: That's better

Hermione: Do you think I'd look better if I wore my hair up?

Scabior: What about you, ginger?

_Ron thinking: Fake name. Give them a fake name_

Ron: Harry Potter

Harry: Moron!

Scabior: You can't be Harry Potter. You look even less like him than your moustached friend with the lightning bolt scar on his head. Hang on a second...

-  
>*Malfoy Manor*<p>

Bellatrix: *Holding Harry's head* Well Draco, is it him?

Draco: I can't be sure

Lucius: Look closely, son. If we are the ones to hand Potter over to the Dark Lord, everything would be forgiven. All would be as it was. You could go back to teasing mudbloods at school, and I could go back to not eating bugs out of my hair

Bellatrix: Come on sweetie, get a good, close look. Really get in there and tell me if you like what you see. And after that, take a look at that kid and work out if it's Potter

Draco: I don't think so. Harry doesn't have a dashing moustache

Bellatrix: Or maybe he ran into a moustache jinx. Was it you, dearie?

Hermione: Psst, Fenrir, has Scabior ever mentioned me?

Fenrir: Only that when the job is done I can feast on your corpse

Hermione: Aww, he's so sweet

Bellatrix: *Gasps* What is that?

Snatcher: The ginger? He was with them in the forest

Bellatrix: The sword!

Snatcher: Also with them. Reckon it's mine now, since no one here will want it or try to fight me for it

Bellatrix: *Attacks*

Snatcher: Alright, we'll go halfsies

Bellatrix: Go! Get out!

Snatcher: 70-30?

Bellatrix: Cissy, put the boys in the cellar...

Narcissa: Ugh. Not again

Bellatrix: No, not for that. They may remain clothed. I just want to have a little conversation with this one, girl-to-girl. We'll paint each other's nails, watch a sad film, and TORTURE HER UNTIL SHE BEGS FOR MERCY!

Hermione: Well that sounds delightfu- wait, what was that last one?

-  
>*Cellar*<p>

Ron: What are we going to do?

Harry: Oh please, Ron, we're in a cellar. Time to enjoy some vintage wine

Luna: Ron? Harry?

Harry: Luna? You're here in a Death Eater stronghold surrounded by liquor?

Ron: Classic Luna

*Meanwhile, at the fun slumber party*

Bellatrix: What else did you steal from my vault?

Hermione: *Crying* Nothing. I swear I always had an antique vase with 'Bellatrix' engraved on it

Bellatrix: Why did you have the sword?

Hermione: Is it almost time for the nail-painting?

-  
>*Back in the cellar*<p>

Ron: We have to do something

Ollivander: There's no way out of here. We've tried everything

Ron: So we can't break down the door?

Ollivander: There's a door?

Ron: Well whatever our next move is, it needs to be well thought-out and sensible

Harry: *Takes out mirror and starts talking to it*

Luna: Oh, you do that too?

Wormtail: *Comes downstairs* Alright, get back!

Ron: Peter, can't you help us? Remember how well I treated you when you were my rat. I always gave you my left-overs from dinner. After my brothers had their pick. And our family dog. And the bacteria

Wormtail: You, ugly goblin, come with me

Ron: You heard him, Luna

Griphook: I think he meant me *Leaves with Wormtail*

Dobby: *Appears*

Harry: Hooray! The mirror sent the incompetent elf who keeps almost killing me

All: Hooray!

Harry: Alright, I've formulated a plan, utilising the special skills of every person here. We've got the elderly wand-maker, the delusional nutcase, the elf, the Boy-Who-Lived, and whatever Ron is

Dobby: Or Dobby could apparate everyone out of this room

Harry: Yes, that was my exact plan. Dobby apparates us out, and the rest of us try not to screw that up somehow

Dobby: Meet me at the top of the stairs in ten seconds *Apparates*

Harry: Well if we could do that we wouldn't need a bloody elf

Ron: I have an idea. Hey Peter, you suck!

Peter: What? Well I'm going to open this gate and give you a piece of my mind *Opens gate*

Dobby: *Does something*

Peter: Ow! I'm hurt but not dead *Collapses*

-  
>*Upstairs*<p>

Bellatrix: You weren't doing your job, goblin! Who stole it? It didn't walk out on its own

Griphook: To be fair, with all the magic and wonder of this world, is a walking sword really that crazy an idea?

Bellatrix: Shut up

Griphook: Whatever. Those earrings aren't real diamond by the way

Bellatrix: But the Dark Lord gave them to me!

Harry: _Expelliarmus_!

Bellatrix: *Loses wand*

Harry: _Stupefy_!

Lucius: *Stupefied*

Ron: Great. I'll help when I feel like it

Bellatrix: _Got __a __knife __to __the __mudblood__'__s __throat_!

Harry: That's not a spell...oh

Bellatrix: Lucius, call the Dark Lord! And do it as slowly and dramatically as you can

Lucius: You're in for it now Potter...I'm going to roll up my sleeve...and snarl at you...hover my hand above my arm...snarl at you...wait, I'm going to sneeze...no, false alarm...snarl at you again...lower my hand and- OH NO LOOK OUT!

Chandelier: *Crash*

Chandelier's family: *Mourns their loss*

Harry: *Grabs wands from Draco*

Draco: Bah! You've practically disarmed me!

Bellatrix: Stupid elf! You could have killed me

Dobby: Dobby didn't mean to hurt Bellatrix. Dobby was trying to kill Harry Potter. It's the only way Dobby knows how to help him

Harry: I appreciate that. Quick let's leave immediately before they have a chance to attack us again

Dobby: Not yet. Dobby wants to let Bellatrix know how happy he is. How Dobby has achieved everything he ever wanted. That for the first time ever, things are going Dobby's way. Dobby is a free elf. A free, and very much alive elf. And is not stabbed in the stomach *Apparates*

Bellatrix: *Throws knife*

-  
>*Beach*<p>

Harry: Is everyone alright? Is anyone stabbed?

Ron: Nope

Hermione: No

Harry: Great. Everybody's safe. Not a single person is hurt

Dobby: Harry Potter...

Harry: Oh dear. Don't worry, Hermione will have something in her bag. Hermione?

Hermione: *Is paralysed with concern, or something*

Dobby: Dobby caught Bellatrix's knife, and was trying to stab Harry Potter. To help him. But Dobby missed, and hit Dobby. Such a beautiful place to be with friends. The water, the sand, the elf blood. Dobby is happy to be with his friend...Ron Weasley. Dobby never told Ron how much he meant to him

Harry: For someone with a fatal wound, you sure take a long time to die

Dobby: Goodbye Ron Weasley. Goodbye Harry Potter. Dobby will never forget how Harry Potter saved him from the Malfoys...and eventually lead to Dobby's death *Dies*

Harry: I want to bury him

Hermione: Sure Harry. We'll give Dobby a proper funeral

Harry: I was talking about Ron. But sure, we'll bury Dobby too

-  
>*Dumbledore's tomb*<p>

Voldemort: Hello Albus, I thought I'd come and pay my respects. By which I mean STEAL YOUR WAND! Also that nice watch

Pius: Can we go now? I'm cold

Voldemort: Shut up, Pius

**THE END**

**Author's note: A sincere thank you to everyone who read and reviewed this story, despite it taking far too long to come out. I am about one quarter of the way through Part 2 but should hopefully have it ready to go in a few weeks. Until then, I may have another story coming to fill the gap.**

**Thanks again, and see you for Project H and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2!**


End file.
